Safety in kink – Femdom vs Male Dom

Male and female doms in bdsm relationships must keep safety in mind, but safety from whom?

Safety is a Main Concern of All Doms

Safety is a different issue in fem dom from male d/s relationships. This article explores the question of safety from both perspectives. It is not for the faint of heart.

I had a conversation yesterday on Twitter (several exchanged tweets, anyway – you can find mine by clicking on my tweets at https://twitter.com/Keyholder4u) yesterday with a (male) dom in which we discussed safety issues. I said it was unfortunate that the we (dom’s) had to consider “safety” in our play, and John@domjohnlocke mentioned our responsibility as doms always to consider the safety of our subs. We found ourselves speaking at cross-purposes for a while, but then I realized that one of a femdom’s major responsibilities is to manage response from the outside world, whereas a male dom primarily worries about things he might do to the sub physically.

Of course all safety is a primary concern, always, for the dom. Part of the d/s relationship is that the dom does take on the question of safety for both, while the sub relinquishes much of that responsibility (other than using “safe-words” where open consent has not been given). And even open consent, which is the allowance of the dom to do virtually anything within his or her range of desires, does not completely eliminate a sub’s responsibility for self-safety. But within those broad limits, the question that interests me is, safety from what or whom?

Remember that the discussion that follows is generalized, and particular relationships can be far different.

A Male Dom’s Main Safety Concerns for Female Subs

A male dom worries primarily about managing and balancing the amount of physical pain he subjects his female sub to from his own hands. Women subs will say they want any amount of pain, and their tolerance of it and desire for more can be incredible. The dom has to find the range that is limited by what the sub can actually, physically stand and enjoy, balancing control and discipline. The relationship can be like an actually loving, but super harsh and disciplinarian parent. Remember, the sub wants the pain and discipline and experiences joy and satisfaction from it – to a point.

A Female Dom’s Main Safety Concerns for Male Subs

A female dom has some of the same concerns as male doms do and must keep the sub’s well-being and needs in mind. But we have an additional task.

As 50 Shades of Gray demonstrated, there is actually a great deal of social acceptance for male domination. Within limits not even approached by that book, men are expected to dominate and control women. Women who submit are not reviled – they are often lauded, although sometimes they are pitied. Among other things, this all means that male dominance often does not take the form of public humiliation.

It’s different as a female dom. Because men are “normally” in the dominant role, men who are subs are actually often disrespected, ridiculed, and attacked. In fact, without going into it in great detail here, it is the subjection to public scrutiny and contempt that does light the fire of many or most male subs. If you’d like to see some examples of that, you can check out my Pinterest account. [These images are extremely graphic! They are “NSFW” – not safe for work, and definitely not for the faint of heart. Be warned.] Note how frequently another person is involved – used as a foil – in the domination.

Most of the d/s in which I am involved does in fact involve the presence of third parties, and this creates a major safety issue. Because male subs are disrespected (rather than pitied, as female subs can be by unknowing observers), they can be attacked and hurt by other people. Male submission is distinctly more “taboo,” as is much of what they are required to do, and this can excite homophobic or other hostile responses). At the same time, it is my duty (lovingly fulfilled!) to achieve the humiliation my sub craves by exposing him to other people’s possible ridicule while protecting him from unintended consequences that can stretch far beyond the bedroom.

My stories never explore the delicate balance that must be achieved, but in real life safety is paramount and NEVER ignored.

I would love to hear what you think of this article. Please like, leave a comment, and let me know what you think!

 

 

Author: elenanewton

I write erotica. I'm a hotwife who likes to write about my experiences and the stories that occur to me. I'm a serious craftswoman of my trade of writing, and am also a thinker who gives the "sexual battleground" a great deal of serious thought.

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